Schooled

I got straight up schooled by God this week. Taken out behind the woodshed. Skunked.

And it was awesome. In a terrible way. Makes sense, right? If it doesn't, it will at some point in your life. Trust me. Fasten your seatbelt and put your big kid underwear on, too - cause it.ain't.no.joke.

I'm not sure I even have words to describe this week. (ok, I always have words. i'm wordy. kind of. a lot.)

It kind of went like this:

God, I am hurting so bad, about so many things, all at once.
     I know. Do you love Me more?

Of course I love You more,  but I need Your comfort and peace right this second. Seriously, God - FIX IT!
     I know what you need. And by the way, do you love Me more?

Why aren't You answering me? It's mean! I don't mean that, God. Yes I do. Why are you being silent? I'm finally willing to listen, why aren't You saying anything?!
     We'll do this on My time-table, ok skippy? Do you love Me more than what you're hurting about?

Am I going to hell if I admit that I've loved a lot of things more than I've loved You?
     Funny how you forget a little thing called OMNICIENCE. Do you want to love Me more than the rest
     of it?


Well, that's how I interpret this week in a nutshell. This week that's felt like a lifetime. This week that has simultaneously made me feel alone but not, lost but found, unworthy but chosen.

Today, God gave me a brief moment of joy that came from Him and only Him. It's been a long time since I can say that the joy I've felt came just from Him. That's sad. But it gives me a great hope that He's going to show me what joy CAN be.

I have a long road ahead of me. I doubt I am even a fraction further along after this week, but I know I am turned in the right direction. I know I am loved by the only One who knows what real love is. I know I am infinitely flawed, but redeemable. I know that God loves me enough to allow pain, knowing that I would probably continue down the same road if He didn't.

I'd love to say that I'm riding this big spiritual high as a result of this recent beginning of understanding. I'm not. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and fully expect to end up flat on my face many more times.

But I love Him more. And that's a start.

Chosen

God seems to be bringing up the word "choice" a lot with me lately. A lot. I am just a little bit (a lot) stubborn, so I've pushed that still small Voice away because listening would mean I would have to do things Somebody else's way; not something this chick is always (ever) willing to do.

Because I CHOSE not to listen, a lot of my comfort and complacency was yanked out from under me and sent me into a frantic rush to grab onto those things - like pry my cold dead fingers from those things. :)

In the middle of my ginormous hissy fit and self doubt and just plain freaking out, He turned my face and made me look at Him.

He. Chose. Me.

He. Chooses. Me.

Every time.

Every. Single. Time.

He chooses me each and every time that I choose something other than Him. He'll never stop choosing me.
I deserve nothing. He gives me everything anyway. I can't get over that fact, and I don't want to get over it.

I am aware that I am stating the fairly obvious; just can't keep my mouth shut about it. :)

And....she's back

It's been  awhile, no?

Lots and lots of things happening in life. Still trying to get my balance. Some of it I just don't feel right blogging about, so I won't. Those of you that know the situation; your prayers are coveted.

Moving on...I want to share a conversation that I had with my dad the other day. He will probably ground me for making this public - but there are some things that just have to be shared:

I called my dad and asked him "what are you up to?"

Dad: well, actually, I'm sitting on the pot right now

Me: um. ok, well...call me back when you're...done.

Dad: oh, it's ok, I can talk.

Me: No

People. That is funny stuff. Disturbing, but funny.

Ok. I'll try to update this more often. Just in case the three of you that read this miss me.

:)