Schooled

I got straight up schooled by God this week. Taken out behind the woodshed. Skunked.

And it was awesome. In a terrible way. Makes sense, right? If it doesn't, it will at some point in your life. Trust me. Fasten your seatbelt and put your big kid underwear on, too - cause it.ain't.no.joke.

I'm not sure I even have words to describe this week. (ok, I always have words. i'm wordy. kind of. a lot.)

It kind of went like this:

God, I am hurting so bad, about so many things, all at once.
     I know. Do you love Me more?

Of course I love You more,  but I need Your comfort and peace right this second. Seriously, God - FIX IT!
     I know what you need. And by the way, do you love Me more?

Why aren't You answering me? It's mean! I don't mean that, God. Yes I do. Why are you being silent? I'm finally willing to listen, why aren't You saying anything?!
     We'll do this on My time-table, ok skippy? Do you love Me more than what you're hurting about?

Am I going to hell if I admit that I've loved a lot of things more than I've loved You?
     Funny how you forget a little thing called OMNICIENCE. Do you want to love Me more than the rest
     of it?


Well, that's how I interpret this week in a nutshell. This week that's felt like a lifetime. This week that has simultaneously made me feel alone but not, lost but found, unworthy but chosen.

Today, God gave me a brief moment of joy that came from Him and only Him. It's been a long time since I can say that the joy I've felt came just from Him. That's sad. But it gives me a great hope that He's going to show me what joy CAN be.

I have a long road ahead of me. I doubt I am even a fraction further along after this week, but I know I am turned in the right direction. I know I am loved by the only One who knows what real love is. I know I am infinitely flawed, but redeemable. I know that God loves me enough to allow pain, knowing that I would probably continue down the same road if He didn't.

I'd love to say that I'm riding this big spiritual high as a result of this recent beginning of understanding. I'm not. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and fully expect to end up flat on my face many more times.

But I love Him more. And that's a start.